The monster life

I'm done 

It cost to be kind

I'm sad. Period 

Everything links to the tummy

I don't know why .... Post the sad news, each time I feel angry my tummy hurts 

Chicken soup for the soul

The appt with dr Tham went well and indeed it was nourishing to the soul. He assured me that it's almost like a no biggie. Don't have to be afraid and the case is close ... In his words.

He was his usual gentle self. 

It was suppose to be this very special day

Here I am at dr Ben Tham clinic. What was supposed to be the beautiful and happy day to hear the heartbeat and see the bb. Oh well oh well.... I'm still here.... Q ing and in hope tt his assuring self will help mend this broken heart and send some assuring notes. 

I've been fine other then the occasional insensitive topics my sis like to talk about. Oh well! 

I suddenly feel like I should have been pang tang and all my pang tang self was right all the time. I need to be and should be. Then maybe this might have been an otherwise situation. 

I should have kept mum and not breathe a word to anyone abt this. I should have this and should have tt. Hiya.... When can I get out of this rut. 

God... Pls get me together 

I wished ....

I wished I nv knew... The classic case of ignorance will be sure bliss. Little did U realise that a hope that lasted for a mere 12 days would have such a detrimental effect to the soul and mind.

I wished I nv knew

I wished I had covered all ground in everything I did 

I wished I didn't attend any xi Shi

Didn't went ahead with my massage 

Didn't fix my nails 

Didn't did a day of maid cover up 

Didn't do any taboo matters 

I wished I behave more like a princess and less like Cinderella 

I wished I had went for a 6 weeks test.... At least I would maybe have been more carefully or lived with less doubts now 

God Bless the angel

So we got the test results! I must say it was less traumatizing as I had expected and by the time the news came, there were too many signs to prep us for the matter of fact. Plus the fact that I was already a 75% guru by then.

The HCG had dropped to under 200 from 700 something. 

However clinical the dr on duty was, I think she conveyed the msg well. Her choice of words were sensitive thou emotionless with no empathy. And guess it worked well for me. So I won't be too emo about it. No pregnancy reported, hcg had dropped significantly and the bleeding is the body's way of naturally clearing up. 

So yeah .... God bless the Angel or imaginary angel. It's a little pity tt I can't and won't be able to share similar timelines in my pregnancy Milestone with my sis and say it's a special gift with grandma blessing. But for practical reasons it could be a positive. She now can take over most of the items I have preserved for her use. 

I'm back to look forward to take a run faithfully to lose weight. 

There are also a lot to be thankful of 

- the fact that I saw the clot of tissue; its gives me some good sense tt it's not something still stuck somewhere in my system to develop into something undesirable 

- the fact that I have nv seen any sac formed And neither were there any reported, there is no guilt ( maybe less) tt I did not look after the bean well ( ok I do sometimes ask if I was the one tt lost the bean via some foul act, But there are not enough supporting facts to warrant tt guilt)

- maybe it was a well preserved egg tt the sperm had attempted to fertilized when it was already degenerating. My last period was 17th dec. I left on a trip so long from 8-21st. Did the deed on 21st. Was tested not positive on 21st and positive on 28th. 

Sigh! I'm sure there is some sense of loss. But I'm sure I can overcome it in time to come. 

The real countdown

On the contrary to yesterday.... Where I could not tolerate the wait and anticipation for our 830am appointment, I actually dragged myself out of bed to face the world and what is awaiting for me. Lamented to wake up and finally found the strength and courage to. There were some foul up... Like forgetting to bring my holy water and my appointment card. 

Anyway A few things happened... Otw to the hospital, I rubbed some holy water on my belly and said a prayer. When I arrived at the hospital and was waiting for the prick, I visited the rest room and saw a clot of blood tissue on my pad. 

A lot went thru my mind.... A lot of reflection... A lot to think about.  Somehow the mind is a lot stronger now then 48 hrs ago. 

I also spent $18 at delifrance which I will usually stinge about. Ok this is Boliao

Anyway it's now about one hour lee to the results. I pray for Gods will to be done and for safety and health. 

Amen 

Counting down...

This must be the worse countdown to anything. A countdown to a blood test which allow us to be either conclusive or progressive. I'm down and I'm lying if I'm not. I dread visiting the toilet each time and looking down. 

I dread letting a big sigh but I can't help but do so. 

I told myself to have faith. To let go and let God. Yet, I refrain from looking at pictures of little ones, and I also been doing extensive research on topics I wish to not have association with. 

I trol sites that talk about hcg 700 / 7 weeks no sac, bleeding no sac / etopic. Chemical pregnancy. It's as thou I was going to make a presentation or lecture about it. 

So I await for 830am Tml and the next two hours following it for the results. 

I have such a heavy heart. 

God Pls heal my soul 

Seeing Red on CNY

dear beanie, mummy and daddy don't know how you are at this point and how things are except to hope for the best. And even this sense of hope is taking me a lot of effort. But I'm certainly sure it takes you more to fight for the well being of your precious little life. I wish us all well and for God's will to be upon us. What started as a small spot of red ended up with more red than mama would like to see on this day. We were panicky, we were worried and we were anxious. Bcos U are a precious gift tt we believed God had sent to our family. My only hope now is to trust the almighty God tt all things work out well for those who love the Lord and that the next 24 hours will see extreme growth in the hcg level. I look forward to new updates and hopefully positive news for the family. 

 

There are many lessons to this. Nothing come easy and nothing should be taken forgranted for. I'm humbled by this experience and seek forgiveness.

God Pls grant us your forgiveness and an opportunity to love once again.